I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
