3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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