I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this will be a night to untag.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
