So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
