youre lurking in front of me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
