Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
