i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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