I feel like abortions should bother me more
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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