I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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