My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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