Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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