I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
