Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
