Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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