I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
