apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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