Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
