Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want her autograph on my taint
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
