Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i barfeds in our rink
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
