i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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