Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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