hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
