yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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