How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
