He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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