I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
