your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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