never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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