She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
