I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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