Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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