apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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