if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Farmville is her only friend.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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