it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
