No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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