He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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