jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
