guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
