My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
