I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
