so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
