why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
