oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize