She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
sex in a hospital.. check
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
