I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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