why do cheetos always look like penises
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
