Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
