so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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