We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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