Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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