Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize