Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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