It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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