I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
