Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
