when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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