Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
