his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
