If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
