It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
