11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
