So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize