Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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