if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
