So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
