The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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