Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
