i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
